Zuma to solve leadership crisis with new dance

President Jacob Zuma says he will fill the power vacuum in South Africa by performing a new dance at the Mangaung conference later this year. “The people are begging for leadership, and I will provide it in my traditional way: by smiling and busting some moves while wearing my fuzziest leopard tails,” said the president.
Addressing the country this morning from the Flashdance Modern Dance Emporium in Nkandla, a sweaty but excited Zuma said that his new dance would be “the best ever”.
“People say I am not leading the country,” said Zuma, putting on a fresh pair of leg-warmers and a dry headband, “but this is simply not true. Look at any of my public appearances and you will see that I always lead. Unless my dance-partner is very mannish, in which case she leads.”
He explained that being a good dancer was an essential skill for politicians.
“You have to be able go left, then right, then left again, obeying whoever is calling the tune,” he said. “At the moment the tune is R&B, or Randlords and Bankers, so I’m moving quite far to the right.”
He said the new dance, to be unveiled at Mangaung, was a celebration of everything his Presidency stood for – “empowering previously disadvantaged Zumas to uplift themselves through hard work, such as driving to tender meetings and cashing enormous cheques”.
He added that it would also include a homage to Michael Jackson’s famous Moonwalk. Asked if this was because, like his presidency, Moonwalking was a rapid backward movement while pretending to move forwards, Zuma said, “Huh? No, I just dig Michael Jackson’s music. Like that one awesome song, ‘Don’t blame it on the sunshine, blame it on Verwoerd’.”
He revealed that his costume would consist of “leopard tails and a big smile”.
“The leopard tails represent noble African traditions, such as killing leopards and chopping off their tails,” he explained. “And smiling is an ancient European political tradition, whereby you show your teeth to poor people to simultaneously reassure them and remind them that if they piss you off, you will eat them.”
Asked when he planned to stop farting around and actually start running the country, Zuma said, “Check this!”, before dropping into a mediocre breakdance move. Journalists were then escorted from the dance studio so that his bodyguards could give him a ten-minute ovation.

 

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